Potty training refusal: what to do when your kid says “no”

If you’re reading this, then you probably know how real potty refusal can be. I wrote in a previous article about the whys of potty refusal, and decided to write this article to focus more on what to do about it. If you are finding that potty training has become a constant power struggle or your child is consciously avoiding the potty then here are some practical steps to help them through it:

1. Stay positive

   Focusing on praise, positive reinforcement, and celebrating the effort rather than the outcome will encourage your little one to take a more self-motivated approach to potty training. This means celebrating wins with big celebrations and approaching accidents as learning moments. Children will respond to big reactions from us - both positive and negative. So let’s keep the big reactions the positive ones and respond minimally to the accidents.

2. Responding to Accidents

   Accidents will happen - they are a part of the process, but how we react matters. Let’s handle them constructively, without shame or frustration. Keeping your response factual (ex: “I see you did a pee in your pants.”) and then using them as a learning moment (ex: “All pee and poop go in the potty”) will help them make the connection and avoid any embarrassment or shame.

   Every accident is a learning moment. If they opted not to go when their body was telling them they needed a pee then they will likely have an accident. This is less fun than getting that excitement from mom when they have a win. They will crave this more and what more of those wins and less time cleaning up an accident mess.

3. Understand your child's perspective

   Get to the heart of why your child might be saying no. Whether it is physiological (they can’t feel the need to go), behavioural (they are seeking autonomy), or whether they have a genuine fear or anxiety, every child will need a slightly different approach to potty training. Looking into the emotional and psychological factors at play and how recognising these can set the stage for a smoother potty training journey. Read this article to help you determine why your child may be refusing to use the potty.

   If your child has anxiety or fears around potty training download my eBook here for a step-by-step approach in helping them overcome this.

4. Make it FUN

   While fun isn’t really a word usually associated to potty training, making the process of toileting fun for your child is an incredibly powerful motivator. If they have to stop playing to do something mundane, I can guarantee you they will opt to continue to do the more fun thing. So why not make potty training fun and engaging to help motivate those wins? Some ideas include some fun potty activities like toys or books that you can put next to the potty, having them listen to music or an audio book, play games with you, etc.

5. Skip the Questions – Observe Instead:

   Since most children cannot actually feel their bladder until they are fully full, let’s just stop asking them if they have to go and encourage them to listen to their body instead. Observe their body’s natural signs that they need to go and help them notice them too. For example, if you little one walks on their tip-toes before having an accident, bring this to their attention by saying “hey, I see you are walking on your tip-toes. This is usually a sign that a pee is ready to come. Let’s go see if we can get a pee in the potty!”

Should I use rewards?

Talking about motivating a toddler and a reward is often what comes first to mind. This isn’t something that I usually recommend, however. Hear me out: A reward can take many forms, either tangible (candy, treat, sticker, toy) or intangible (a trip to the park, a fun activity, X minutes of screen time). It’s tempting because you will likely get the quick-win, but you may end up worse off in the long run. They may learn to be reactive to you (as opposed to listening to their body), dependent on a reward to perform, or even lead to negative associations if the reward system fails or stops.

Instead, you should try to embrace their Intrinsic Motivation or Internal Motivation. Understanding what makes Find out what makes them tick, and embrace it. For instance, a gummy bear for each successful potty trip might get you a win or two but if you don’t tap into what really motivates them it will likely fizzle out.

Potty Training is a marathon - not a sprint

While I wish there was, there is no one magic trick that will make your child fully potty trained overnight, or even in a few days. Potty training is a commitment and an ongoing process that requires a lot of attention and nourishment along the way. It can seem all-consuming and may be emotionally and mentally challenging at times. There will be days where they may seem to have mastered the skill with no accidents and then out of nowhere a day where there are more accidents or more pushback than we can count. By understanding your child’s developmental needs and the reason for their pushback, you will find that the challenging days will be fewer and the successful days will become more frequent. With that, their confidence and independence will shine.

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Potty training doesn't have to be a battleground. By tuning into your child's intrinsic motivators and making the process enjoyable, you'll transform a challenging phase into a journey of independence and confidence—for both of you. By using these tips you and your child can navigate potty training refusal with patience and positivity. Stay patient, keep learning, and don't forget to celebrate the small victories along the way.